Slippery Elm Knot Hole Story

Not going to lie, I fucked a tree before. About half a dozen times to be precise. I was a forest surveyor working in bush camps, 10 days on 4 days off. We'd go to whatever town was closest and go absolutely apeshit and fuck anything that moves. There was only one woman in camp (the cook) and she looked like a fucking sasquatch with moustache and neck stubble and everything, so even though I was horny as fuck I still couldn't imagine even thinking about putting the moves on her. One night we were at a local bar and I was absolutely shitfaced and found myself talking to an old local drunk who used to be a feller He laughed about our shifts and asked if I'd "met with the old slippery elm missus yet" and I said I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He said you get the knothole of a fresh slippery elm log or standing tree and have your way with it. It's called slippery elm because underneath the bark is slippery as hell and I guess some lonely loggers found out it makes a good organic fleshlight. I laughed and that was that. But fast forward day 7 or 8 of the next shift and I'm running transects on my own and getting horny as all fuck, thinking about past girls and all that. I run into a slippery elm with a perfect knothole and the guys words came back. Fuck it that's not true, I was looking at every slippery elm on my bearing for just the right knothole for about an hour or two and finally found one. Was it good? Brother, lets just say there are a few stands with trees that ‘have my eyes’ kek

A long, absurd 4chan-style story in which a forest surveyor explains how he became obsessed with finding a slippery elm tree with the perfect knot hole. The punchline is the euphemistic confession that he masturbated using the tree, ending with the joke that some trees now “have my eyes.” EN: A long, absurd 4chan-style story in which a forest surveyor explains how he became obsessed with finding a slippery elm tree with the perfect knot hole. The punchline is the euphemistic confession that he masturbated using the tree, ending with the joke that some trees now “have my eyes.”

• @eternalclassic / 1362 2021-10-14