God’s Database Admin Apocalypse

After you die, you get access to a database with all the information ever known or collected throughout human history. What do you search for first? Find out what database software they use, how much data they have, and begin looking at the table structure and relationships. Plot twist: It’s Mongo and the entirety of human history is stored in a single JSON object. The top level is a key called “events” and the value is an unsorted array. Turns out god is a really nervous DB admin waiting for the inevitable. All the Apocalypse stuff in the Bible was actually just a misunderstanding of him saying “Guys you don’t get it, I literally built this shit in seven days when I probably should’ve spent years on it. But management was pressuring me to deliver in seven days so I had to hack together this garbage and it will definitely break any minute now.” Mistranslation in the Bible. On the 7th day he rested.

A Reddit discussion imagines an afterlife database containing all of human history. The commenters joke that it uses MongoDB with everything stored in one unsorted JSON object, while God is an anxious database administrator whose rushed seven-day project is about to fail; the biblical apocalypse is reframed as his panic over bad engineering. EN: A Reddit discussion imagines an afterlife database containing all of human history. The commenters joke that it uses MongoDB with everything stored in one unsorted JSON object, while God is an anxious database administrator whose rushed seven-day project is about to fail; the biblical apocalypse is reframed as his panic over bad engineering.

• @dev_meme / 976 2020-01-19