D&D Rogue Steals Everything

A split-screen video repeatedly shows a stern bald man reading an ornate red book above fantasy RPG gameplay, while a Dungeons & Dragons session unfolds in the audio. A paladin prays at an altar as a chaotic-neutral rogue secretly steals the offerings and then attempts to rob the paladin, triggering failed rolls, threats, and an eventual retcon. The joke is the escalating player-versus-player chaos and the DM resetting the scene after the players derail the encounter. EN: A split-screen video repeatedly shows a stern bald man reading an ornate red book above fantasy RPG gameplay, while a Dungeons & Dragons session unfolds in the audio. A paladin prays at an altar as a chaotic-neutral rogue secretly steals the offerings and then attempts to rob the paladin, triggering failed rolls, threats, and an eventual retcon. The joke is the escalating player-versus-player chaos and the DM resetting the scene after the players derail the encounter.

So you guys are in the temple of helm. What do you do? I'm gonna approach the altar and begin praying to helm. Of course you would. I'm a fucking oath of vengeance paladin Of course I worship helm Joe. Whatever Joe. What are you doing while Donald is praying to helm? Does the temple have any offerings laying around? What's your passive perception? 17? Yes, you see a stack of gold coins as well as a few precious gems next to the altar Donald's praying at. All right I'm gonna approach the altar and try to steal it without anyone noticing. Really? Really Joe? I'm a fucking chaotic neutral thief subclass rogue. What did you expect? Okay, Joe? Go ahead and make a slight of hand check Okay, and hey natural 18 baby. Do I see Joe doing this DM? Make a perception check for me. Fuck dirty 13 Donald you don't see your party member stealing the offerings Joe you slip 3d 10 gold coins into your pocket along with two rubies Worth 25 gold pieces each fuck yeah all right now. I want to steal gold out of Donnie's coin purse What the fuck Joe? This is bullshit. I'll fucking smite your ass. You can't smite me bitch That's meta knowledge meta knowledge my ass Barry. He's fucking stealing from me We didn't agree to not steal from each other during session zero I'll allow it roll another slide of hand check with advantage this time Donald roll a perception check with disadvantage, please What the fuck? Why does he get advantage because you're praying your eyes are closed and you're in a prone position? Suck it Donald your sweet sweet gold pieces are mine. No, this is fucking bullshit I stand up and I swing my war hammer at Joe Donald That's fucking cheating and you know it. There's no way your character could know I'm stealing from him unless he wins his contested check. He's right Don, just roll me perception. God damn it fine. 14. That was with disadvantage? Yep. Okay, what was your sleight of hand Joe? You gotta be fucking kidding me. What was it Joe? Two natural ones. Ha! Suck it you fucking nerd. Shut the fuck up bitch, I'll shank you in your sleep tonight. Yeah too bad I'm not gonna let you live long enough for that. So Donald as you finish your prayer you open your eyes and make eye contact with Joe who has his hand buried knuckles deep inside your coin purse. What do you You know what I'm gonna fucking do? You're gonna smite him? I'm gonna fucking smite him. This is some grade A bullshit. You wanna take everything you did back and retcon the whole encounter? Yeah, I'm fine with it. Let's try this again. Okay then.

• @eternalclassic / 29029 2023-03-08