God’s Terrible Database Schema

After you die, you get access to a database with all the information ever known or collected throughout human history. What do you search for first? Find out what database software they use, how much data they have, and begin looking at the table structure and relationships. Plot twist: It’s Mongo and the entirety of human history is stored in a single JSON object. The top level is a key called “events” and the value is an unsorted array. Turns out god is a really nervous DB admin waiting for the inevitable. All the Apocalypse stuff in the Bible was actually just a misunderstanding of him saying “Guys you don’t get it, I literally built this shit in seven days when I probably should’ve spent years on it. But management was pressuring me to deliver in seven days so I had to hack together this garbage and it will definitely break any minute now. Mistranslation in the Bible. On the 7th day he tested.

A Reddit-style thread imagines accessing a database containing all of human history after death. The commenters joke about inspecting its database software and discovering that God hastily stored everything in one unsorted MongoDB JSON object. The punchline reframes the biblical seven-day creation story as a rushed software project doomed to fail, making it useful as a reaction to chaotic code or bad data architecture.

• @profunctor_io / 7224 2021-10-03